Did you ever make a fool of yourself pouring a glass of wine?

Ok, if you’ve had a few glasses already then maybe you can get away with some spillage. But on that first date? It’s like that first job interview – don’t do anything that will rock the boat! Oops, there it goes and your date is thinking ‘what a klutz’!

Well, pouring a glass of wine is quite simple. Let us assume that you can open the bottle properly (cutting round the seal, no torn edges); avoid using the ‘waiters friend’ unless you are very experienced with one – use a two lever cork extractor instead. So, bottle open, checked the cork. Have you got the right glass? Let’s watch a video of it being done properly! www.youtube.com pouring wine

What do we mean by Mature?
Slightly different from ‘senior’ which has more of an age implication, though the two terms usually apply together. We don’t in general mean people who are looking for a partner much older than themselves (this is relatively unusual and a specialised dating area).

By ‘mature’ we mean people who have reached a stage in life (which may not be age related ie senior) when they have experienced one or maybe more serious long term relationships – they probably have children, and very probably a divorce (or two, even more) in their history. They have worked for a living and learned the lessons of the workplace – indeed their career might still be continuing or even ended. They are looking for a partner who is round about the same age or of the same generation and they have a fairly well developed idea of the kind of person they are seeking – their attributes, habits and interests – eg tall, blue eyes, own teeth, likes travel and clubbing and so on.

In terms of age they are probably over 30 and maybe a lot older, though bear in mind that there are people who can be mature (using our definition) even in their mid twenties.

So, they have a rich collection of ‘baggage’ – lessons learned, a seam of good and bad memories, probably family and established community relationships and networks.

Contrast this with people who are generally younger and still looking for the ‘right’ person. Their career might not yet be established, and with social and community networks being less set in stone they are more able (and probably more flexible) about moving home and trying out new ideas. They probably have less well-defined ideas about what they are looking for in a partner.

How is Mature Dating Different?
Usually, mature people engaging in the process have relationships which have ended, and quite often with pain attached. This pain will have bred caution and a natural desire to avoid similar situations again. For example – boredom in a relationship, infidelity, addictions of one sort or another (drugs including alcohol, gambling, sexual addiction even sports), unpleasant personal habits, lack of shared interests. Quite often there will also be a desire to avoid people who remind them of their ‘ex’.

Also, we have the simple fact that getting to know someone really well takes time – there is so much more personal history to exchange. It can be quite wearing meeting a new person every week and listening to their painful divorce history and about their family issues takes energy. Taking that forward further, we come to the point where two family networks are being melded – that is a lot to absorb and manage.

Further, as we said earlier, mature people tend to be older and see life as more finite and probably ‘passing by’ more quickly. Therefore there can be a pressure to ‘get on with it’. This is in conflict with the caution bred out of pain.

Some mature people may have a sense that they have already experienced the ‘real love of their life’ and this could get in the way of a successful new relationship because the standard by which it is being measured (ie their ‘real love of their life’).

Finally, there is availability of time. With family and social networks on both sides, it can be challenging for some to find time for the dating process and developing a new relationship. This can be extremely frustrating for some people, and if you are serious about finding a new partner then you will have to set aside serious amounts of free time. This means that you may have to reconsider your priorities in other areas. After all, showing flexibility is about demonstrating a positive attitude to a potential partner and the importance of that desire to find a partner, in your life.
(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Yes, very. Why? What is the difference between what is said (or not) and what the reality may be – the photo helps us decide?

When you enrol for the first time with an online dating agency,  you complete to some degree or other, a personal profile of yourself. You may or may not load a photograph at that time. You then search the profiles of others to seek potential partners. Some profiles you view may have photographs of the other person or sometimes not.

No Photographs on a Profile?
If there’s no picture on a profile when you search, then it could be for several reasons:

• The default search criteria that you are using excludes profiles without photographs. This is easily dealt with by changing those settings in the search panel.
• The person is not technical (though most people today can load a photo or get someone to do it for them).
• The person has just started setting up a basic profile and hasn’t organised a photo yet.
• They have loaded a photograph and it is awaiting approval by the agency (this can in some circumstances take several days).
• The person doesn’t think other people will find them attractive
• The lady is very attractive and wants to restrict her picture to those who are interested in her profile first.  Private photos (e.g. for Favourites Only) help to get around this problem.  This is not usually a problem for men.
• Some people are just nervous or cautious about a visible online presence, and that is quite reasonable. In that case they may well have photographs ready and waiting to send you; alternatively, if the site has the feature, they may have private photographs loaded to be viewed by invitation only.

So,  you can see that there are several valid reasons why photographs may not be present at a given point in time. And, the very person you seek may be one of those!

Importance of Photographs.
Photographs are important, because if someone’s appearance is not attractive to you, then that’s not a good start (and similarly from the other person’s point of view). Of course, when it comes to a photo of yourself, then you will get a much lower response ……….

This is only half the article about photographs….for the full story get my Online Dating Guide!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

(C) 2009 Phil Marks

There is no question that with the availability of online dating, the amount of dating has increased way beyond what was usual in earlier days. Distances are shortened and the sheer range of potential partners is there before your eyes. So, people meet more potential partners before settling.

Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.

I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.

OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters? None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).

Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers

You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.

If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).

Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing

Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:

Only call me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… or
I can’t do evenings because mobile reception is bad at home (and don’t have a landline)…
I’ll call you on Wednesday at 7pm…

..then these are also signals of potential dishonesty.

Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?

Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.

Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.

These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.

In Conclusion

None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.

Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.

There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.

In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

© 2010 Phil Marks

How will you know your soulmate? Let us look at some basic ideas of what a soulmate is. If you have been lucky enough to have had time with a soulmate then you probably have your own list already. Maybe you haven’t written it down, but perhaps you recognise some of the factors.

What is the point of this you may ask? Well, in today’s world of online dating and multiple serial relationships, how do you know when the ‘right person’ has come along? Women have a better developed sense of intuition than men, but still make mistakes, so intuition is not the be-all and end-all of making good relationship decisions. Yes, there are certain things that each of us looks for in a relationship, and often we make a compromise.

My list of characteristics is based on what I think is important. Your list may differ – you might not even be seeking a soulmate; some guys only seek someone to kepp them warm, cook and wash their socks; some ladies are only looking for a cheque book. Anyway, my list, based on several good relationships and one definite soulmate (15 good years) is:

- instinctively thinking about one another at the same moment – phoning up only for the other person to say – oh, I was just thinking of you or just about to phone you;

- having tremendous respect for that person’s point of view;

- not referring to them as ‘my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend’ and so on, but as ‘John, Peter, Sandra’ and so on. In my mind, this avoids an implication of possession;

- wanting to be with that person as much as possible

- sharing dreams and hopes for the future, and having a plan or way forward which is jointly shared;

- providing unconditional emotional support. This can undoubtedly be difficult if one believes that the partner’s actions are wrong, but if respect for them is strong then that makes the support easier;

- having the same ideas at the same time. Ok, this is aspirational for some people perhaps, but not unusal. Of course, this can be seen as limiting the development of a relationship, because the challenge of differing perspectives is absent. However, on the other hand it does mean that compromise is required less often, and that can be a boon when one person is less inclined to compromise. Constant compromise by one side only can be corrosive in the long term;

- a core set of shared interests, with each having other interests which bring new aspects and experiences into a relationship. These ‘satellite’ interests maintain a continual flow of new events into the partnership.

Some people might say that such relationship with these factors is boring, claustrophobic or clingy – and there are plenty of other descriptions.

For me though, if that is the case, then you are not soulmates. I’ve had relationships with clingy people, and I know I’ve been perceived as clingy in others – the key point though, is that there is a mismatch.

It doesn’t stop you having disagreements, but if you have deep respect then you really listen to what the other point of view is.

Those are the key aspects of what, for me, a soulmate relationship should have.

For the all the lowdown on Online Dating, get the Online Dating Guide.

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

You are a strong, independent woman. You are proud of your educational and professional accomplishments. You are at a place in your life where you are ready to get serious about finding a wonderful, intelligent, caring boyfriend who will hopefully become your devoted husband one day. After several unsuccessful long-term relationships, you have taken time to recuperate, take care of yourself and reevaluate your priorities. Now, after time away from the dating scene, you feel that you are ready to take several cautious steps into the online dating pool.

You have decided on joining an online dating service because you want to broaden your search for the man of your dreams. You appreciate how the service allows you to choose the age range, religion, geographical location and ethnic background of your potential matches. You are ready to put together a compelling dating profile and start looking for love, but you want to keep your personal safety and privacy your first priority.

Follow these safety and privacy tips to ensure a safe and enjoyable online dating experience.

1) When you write your profile, avoid sharing any information that could reveal your identity. Do not share your last name, your phone number, your email address or your home address. Do not share your place of employment, the name of your church, or the name of your health club. Many dating services have members create a “username,” which they use instead of your first name, so then you don’t even have to reveal your first name until you get to know someone well.

2) When you select photos to add to your profile, be extra careful to avoid revealing any personal information. People can gather a lot of information about someone by looking at their photos. Avoid posting photos of you standing in front of your house, you standing next to your car, or you with the sign of any event or club.

3) While communicating with your matches, exercise extra caution. Utilize the dating service to send emails and messages. Do not use your work email address or personal email address. When you get to the stage where you feel comfortable talking to a man on the phone, ensure that you are the one making the phone calls and arrange with your phone company to block your phone number. Do not reveal your phone number until after you meet the potential suitor and feel comfortable with him. If the match lives a long distance away from you and you won’t be able to meet for several weeks or months, only share your phone number with him after you have been emailing and messaging one another for at least several weeks and you have had several quality phone conversations with him. Remember that there are a variety of websites that can reveal your full name and home address when a person types in your home phone number.

4) Research each potential suitor carefully, especially before meeting him in person. Find out as much information about each man as you possibly can. Once you know his last name, you can use various government website to look into his background. Several websites allow you to perform a criminal record search on someone. Do a “Google search” with your match’s full name and see if your search generates any information. Ask your match important questions about his background, values and expectations before meeting him.

You have made the decision to enter the exciting and hopeful world of online dating. You are eager to meet that special man or woman and fall in love. You are eager to start join an online dating service, writing your profile and start searching for matches. You just need to determine which dating site you should use.

Use these guidelines to help you decide which online dating service to join.

(1) Set a budget for yourself. Decide how much money you are willing and able to spend on an online dating service. Most dating sites offer memberships for one month, three months, six months and one year. If you are planning on staying on a dating site for several months, it is often more economical to register for a three month membership rather than a one month membership which then has to be renewed. Fill out the basic personal registration information on a dating website and see if they email you any discounted membership offers. There are a variety of quality, popular online dating services that are free that are worth checking out.

(2) Ask trusted family members, friends or colleagues who have experience with online dating sites to give you their recommendations for the best service to join. Ask them to give you an honest opinion. If they had negative experiences with a certain dating site, take their advice seriously in making your final decision about what service to join. Once you have made a decision about the online dating service that you will join, ask these people for advice regarding writing your dating profile, posting photos and responding to matches’ emails and messages. Consider these friends, family members or colleagues to be valuable resources for you.

(3) Invest time in searching through popular and reputable online dating sites. Research as many different dating services as you can before deciding on one to join. Try to figure out which online dating services are the most popular, especially for singles in your state or province or even country.

(4) Think about joining a specialized online dating service. There are a wonderful variety of specialized dating sites available that cater to a specific market. Some dating websites are for a specific country or geographical region. Some dating websites have a religious orientation and are geared toward people of a certain faith, such as Christian or Jewish dating sites. Some dating websites are for seniors.

(5) Reduce your choices down to your favorite three online dating services. Compare them with one another, making note of the advantages and disadvantages of each dating site. Read each site’s “About Us” page, “Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)” page and “Privacy” page to gather detailed information. Consider each dating service’s success rate, membership fees, number of members, special features, profile formats, and customer service.