I’m writing this after a recent (now resolved) argument with my lady. It’s about personal space and how difficult that can be to deal with in a new relationship. For those who are dating and looking to settle down with a partner, there are a few things to consider. Some of them may of course depend on the particular personalities and the degree of independence we each prefer. For strong-willed and independent people, this can be a very difficult area.

For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work, though undoubtedly this can be very difficult. In fact, I said to her that it could be even more difficult to work out than the recent airlines strike! Focus on common ground, that’s what the negotiators say.

These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material  possessions around you.

How do Space Issues Arise?

Well, the issue first comes about when you agree where to live – her place or your place, or do you get a place together? When relationships start, you begin to stop over at each other’s place, there is no explicit agreement, it’s just ‘let’s see how it goes’. Slowly, the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover’s) pile of clothes, washbag and so on starts to accumulate at the emerging centre of gravity.

Then, maybe, you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) – selling it or renting it out.

Developing Space Issues

As all this happens, though, you start to work it out – you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy – that’s stress in itself.

The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Guys are in general more single minded – I like to concentrate on my work without interruption, and finding space (without interruption) in someone else’s place for this single-minded work can be difficult. But it’s not only physical space, it’s mental space as well – space to think, even space to watch different TV shows or entertain friends.

House Rules

When you live in someone else’s space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules, even if you contribute to the running costs and upkeep. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.

And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.

Symptoms

Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space and therefore experienced it first-hand, I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms. Indeed, I have been told by a partner that it was very difficult for her having someone in her space. I guess that could be down to me, but I did coexist fairly happily for 15 years in another relationship!

If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think ‘hey, that’s my wall, we’ll have what I like’ then that’s a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner’s place and think ‘no, I don’t really want to live in a room with a purple wall’ then that’s a pointer to a problem.

These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.

Finding Solutions

The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.

If you are very committed, you can see this as an opportunity to dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together build up your joint possessions together.

Of course, this is risky in itself as you think – ‘if this goes wrong, who gets what?’ and ‘maybe I’d be safer hanging on to my place and stuff, you know, just in case….’. And what if there’s say, a dog?

Another solution is to have periods apart – maybe short breaks visiting friends and family – some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn’t work. I mean, why be together at all?

Then, getting away together into neutral space – say a weekend away – can also lower the temperature.

So, all in all Space can be an issue. The Final Frontier? Maybe. When you cross a frontier, then you are into new territory!

You have made the decision to enter the exciting and hopeful world of online dating. You are eager to meet that special man or woman and fall in love. You are eager to start join an online dating service, writing your profile and start searching for matches. You just need to determine which dating site you should use.

Use these guidelines to help you decide which online dating service to join.

(1) Set a budget for yourself. Decide how much money you are willing and able to spend on an online dating service. Most dating sites offer memberships for one month, three months, six months and one year. If you are planning on staying on a dating site for several months, it is often more economical to register for a three month membership rather than a one month membership which then has to be renewed. Fill out the basic personal registration information on a dating website and see if they email you any discounted membership offers. There are a variety of quality, popular online dating services that are free that are worth checking out.

(2) Ask trusted family members, friends or colleagues who have experience with online dating sites to give you their recommendations for the best service to join. Ask them to give you an honest opinion. If they had negative experiences with a certain dating site, take their advice seriously in making your final decision about what service to join. Once you have made a decision about the online dating service that you will join, ask these people for advice regarding writing your dating profile, posting photos and responding to matches’ emails and messages. Consider these friends, family members or colleagues to be valuable resources for you.

(3) Invest time in searching through popular and reputable online dating sites. Research as many different dating services as you can before deciding on one to join. Try to figure out which online dating services are the most popular, especially for singles in your state or province or even country.

(4) Think about joining a specialized online dating service. There are a wonderful variety of specialized dating sites available that cater to a specific market. Some dating websites are for a specific country or geographical region. Some dating websites have a religious orientation and are geared toward people of a certain faith, such as Christian or Jewish dating sites. Some dating websites are for seniors.

(5) Reduce your choices down to your favorite three online dating services. Compare them with one another, making note of the advantages and disadvantages of each dating site. Read each site’s “About Us” page, “Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)” page and “Privacy” page to gather detailed information. Consider each dating service’s success rate, membership fees, number of members, special features, profile formats, and customer service.

After several of your good friends met their romantic partners through online dating services, you have decided to give the world of internet dating a go. You will be more successful and have a more enjoyable experience if you follow these beginner’s tips.

(1) Decide on which online dating website you wish to join.

Visit each website. Look at the special features and format that each site offers. Look at the costs involved with membership. Look at the payment types accepted, such as VISA, Mastercard, and PayPal. Ensure that the site offers secure and safe payment options.  For detailed information, read the “About Us” page, the “Frequently Asked Questions” page and the “Privacy Page.”  Find out if the service caters to professional people, seniors, single parents, people from special ethnic  groups or members from specific religious groups.

Some online dating services offer you a chance to search through profiles and photos before you commit to joining. Some dating sites offer a free trial period.  Search for a dating service that offers members the ability to send email messages through a special email address provided by the service and the ability to send instant messages (IMs) to fellow members.

Talk to friends and family who have participated in online dating for their personal recommendations. Ask them to share their personal experiences with you about the various dating services that they utilized. Value your friends and family’s advice, as it is more authentic than the advertisements and testimonials used by dating websites.

(2) Decide what characteristics and values you are searching for in your “perfect match.”

Work on building self-awareness so that you know your own abilities, preferences and relational needs. Take time to reflect seriously on the traits and values you desire in a future romantic partner. In a journal or using a word processor, record a list of “Top 10″ or “Top 20″ characteristics that you want most in a mate. Think about your dreams for yourself and your future relationship partner. Characteristics including intelligence, sense of humor, integrity, honesty, faithfulness, patience,  playfulness, and respectfulness usually rank among the top traits people desire in their romantic companion.

Decide on the items that are “Deal Breakers” for you, such as someone who smokes cigarettes, does drugs, drinks too much alcohol, gambles, is disrespectful or has anger management problems. Decide whether you would prefer someone who has never been married and has no children, or it you are okay with dating someone who has been married or who has children. If your religion is very important to you, then make finding someone who shares your moral and religious values a priority for you in your search for your ideal partner.

In a world filled with busy, career-oriented people, many professionals are deciding to join online dating services in the hopes of meeting their future romantic partner. A reputable online dating site provides each member with a detailed dating profile to fill in and usually offers a compatibility questionnaire before a member joins the site. Well-organized dating services employ sophisticated match-matching processes that enable each user to receive quality, well-suited matches. As online dating sites grow in popularity, with a variety of sites having millions of members, more and more men and women these days are discovering the love of their lives online.

Follow these guidelines to help you find your Mr. or Miss Right online:

(1) First of all, before you can be happy and fulfilled in a romantic relationship, you need to be happy and complete in yourself. Don’t buy into the famous line from the movie Jerry Maguire, “You complete me.” Each person has to be whole and holistically healthy within themselves before they are ready to find their life partner.

(2) In order to prepare yourself for meeting your perfect match, devote time to taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally and mentally. Invest time in your favorite hobby or special interest. Make sure that you are maintaining and healthy diet and exercising regularly. Think positively about yourself and work on developing a healthy self-esteem.

(3) Create an imaginative, genuine and well-written dating profile. Include special stories that illustrate your authentic personality. Share details about your favorite interests and hobbies, memorable anecdotes about your education and career, and charming stories about your family, pets and friends. Paint an appealing and lovable picture of yourself through your profile essay.

(4) Once you have joined an online dating service, take the time to complete all aspects of your dating profile. Your matches will be able to tell if you are serious about finding a partner by the amount of care and detail you put into your profile. Make sure that your writing is free from spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure mistakes. Take time when selecting your photos to upload to your profile. Make sure they are respectable, attractive and welcoming photos of yourself.

(5) Remember that finding your Mr. or Miss Right is a journey and give yourself plenty of time to be matched with the best possible partner. Devote some time every day or every other day to reviewing your new matches, responding to messages or emails from matches that you are interested in, and pursuing contact with any match that catches your attention. Part of the process with online dating is trial-and-error. When you are matched with people who don’t meet your expectations, because their profile turns you off, your values aren’t compatible or you don’t feeling physically attracted to them, then kindly but firmly close the match and send them a polite but assertive email such as “Thank you for your message. I don’t feel that we are a match. Good luck in your search.” Think positively. Every day you are getting closer to meeting your future soul mate.

So you’ve met someone online and you’re interested in getting to know them better. Where do you go from here? What do you ask that will engage them in conversation while at the same time not make them feel like they are being interrogated? Those early email conversations can be a very useful screening tool to help you figure out if you want to go further.

The main things that you have to determine right from the beginning are:

a) What is their relationship status?
b) What kind of relationship they are looking for?

The answers to these two questions should be answered in their profile on the online dating service. There is a good chance that you would not be matched with a person who is not what you are looking for in this regard. It’s a good idea, however, to be sure that the two of you are clear on these issues before you invest any of your time in this person. As a safety precaution, make sure that you match is not married, engaged or already in a long-term relationship.

Certainly, you should ask their age, their occupation, their religious beliefs and their thoughts about marriage and children. All these things typically matter a great deal and again you want to screen out right from the start those people who are not right for you.

If the person meets with your approval with the above criterion, you can progress to the business of finding out their interests and hobbies, their likes and dislikes.

Here are some unique questions you might ask:

• What is on your iPod right now? (What would you put on an iPod if you had one?)
• If you could only watch three TV show a week, what would they be?
• If you could eat any food that you wanted without any negative results, what would it be?
• Have you ever won an award or a contest?
• If you could have chosen to be born at any time in history, when would you choose?
• What jobs did you have as a teenager?
• What are your favorite fiction and non-fiction books?
• What the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?

Finally, if you are really interested in that person as more than an online fling, you will want to discern their values and gain insight into their personality.

If you determine the answers to these three questions, you will know a great deal about that person:

• What makes them laugh?
• What makes them cry?
• What makes them angry?

You will want to skillfully and intelligently navigate your way through this phase and you just might find a person with whom you are truly compatible.