This fourth article is about getting the key aspects of your online dating profile right, especially describing what’s vital in your life. Then, any guy who reads your profile will understand those areas in which you will not compromise, because vital means just that.

Children

What about children – do you want them, maybe you are already a parent? There are probably drop-down boxes in the site’s profile set-up screen for this, but you may want to say more. For example the man will have to enjoy taking a parental role (and you may have his children round for sleepovers). You could phrase it like this: “until they leave home my children will be central in my life and ideally I want to meet a guy who is closely involved with children of his own, understands and enjoys the challenges of parenthood’.

Your Friends and Social Activities

Are you a homelover, or are you out meeting people and socialising most nights? Are your girlfriends round every night? Again, finding someone compatible with that lifestyle is important; after all, how would you feel if your man was out at a bar or football game on several nights a week? Maybe it would suit you, maybe not – some couples have entirely separate social lives – but would it suit you (or him)?

Politics

Perhaps you are involved in town politics or an action group – these tend to be driven from deep within the person – then it will be important that you highlight that aspect of yourself. If you are at meetings a couple of nights a week then you need to make that clear in your profile.

Whilst we are on the topic of politics, remember that many couples of different politics can co-exist quite happily, and there are some people who have to be with a partner having a similar political outlook and set of values. If you are one of those people to whom politics is an essential part of life, then you need to say so clearly.

Pets

Some people just do not want to live in a house with pets (especially cats or dogs) and there can be good reasons for this – for example, allergies. So, if keeping your pet is not negotiable then you need to say so in your profile.

Career and Relocation

You may have a very demanding job or career, but how will it be if the new man in your life is in the Navy (say) and away for 8 months of the year? This is certainly an area to explore very early on. Certainly, if you are in such a career yourself then you do need to make that clear in your online profile

If someone works elsewhere in the country, would you be prepared to move – maybe the kids are in school and you don’t want to move? Most dating agencies ask about geographical range so that they can match people appropriately, but there are few people who really want to enter into a relationship with somebody who lives on another continent!

Finally

The principle behind disclosing the ‘vitals’ in your life is that you don’t want to meet and fall for someone and then find that there is a major problem caused by one of the above (or other ‘vitals’). This approach will help you filter out the unsuitable guys in advance.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

This is the third article explaining how a lady can write the most effective online dating profile. The benefit of a finely tuned profile is that it clearly describes the lady, without any hidden messages; it also succinctly describes the type of guy who is ideal for her. This means that all the men who would be of no interest to her are immediately elimninated. This saves time and money on pointless emailing and dates, not to mention the emotional toll it can take. As an investment in the future, time spent on developing the right profile is time well spent.

Find Our Who You Really Are

List the qualities and interests that you have and that you want your new man to appreciate. Talk to a close friend and get her(/him) to help you with this, as people don’t always see the qualities they have that close friends see and appreciate.

If you are athletic, then you probably need someone with an interest in sport (that is playing sport, not sitting in a bar with a beer watching football). If you are an art lover, then a guy who thinks Salvador Dali is a country in Africa would be probably be a bad bet. I say probably, because many people seek new things from a new relationship. A dear lady friend of mine (who was very much a country girl), became involved with a guy who wanted to learn about hunting/shooting/fishing. Then, when he had his introductions to that country life, then he decided to move on to someone else.

Ticking the Boxes

Many dating sites will have drop-down lists of Interests, Personal Qualities and so on. Use the list that you prepared earlier as a guide. It is important not to give the wrong impression, as that can lead to disappointment all round.

Think about what you might expect from a man’s profile. Do you want him to be truthful? Do you expect to be misled? Most people will ‘varnish the truth’ slightly to give a more favourable impression.

For example – if you know nothing about horses, but really want to learn, then it is fair enough to put Horses as an interest (because this may be a search term a man may use to find suitable profiles), BUT in your ‘bio’ section (the free-from section where you describe yourself) you must say something like ‘I have had an interest in horses since I was young but never had the chance to get involved with them, so I am really seeking a guy who is closely involved with horses (probably owns one) and who will teach me to ride and share his passion’.

Smoking and Drinking

Other important boxes cover smoking and drinking. In my experience it is not unusual for occasional smokers to say that they are non-smokers. There is no point in this deception, as it soon becomes obvious. Then, the man thinks ‘What else in the profile is not true? Can I believe this woman?’

So, think carefully about what you write, and you will then be more likely to be spending your time meeting guys who are most suitable for you. In other words, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’!

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

These online dating tips are about getting the main aspects of your online dating profile right. This is the first of a series of five articles, each concentrating on a specific aspect of a lady’s online dating profile.

Why bother, you say?

The benefit is that you clearly describe who you are and the type of guy you are looking for. Thereby you immediately cut out all the people who would be of no interest to you (and you to them, even before you start writing your profile summary paragraph). This reduces hassle and emotional toll. You are investing in your future, so it pays to devote time to the task.

The first tip is about your ‘handle’, more usually known as your User ID.

Maybe you have already joined an online agency. Did you choose a memorable and intriguing ‘handle’ for yourself?

Think about these handles:

Put yourself in a guy’s position – he does a search and sees a list of potential matches like this:

Ann123
Brenda29
Charlotte_Wisconsin
Mustang_Sally
ToniLonely
MarybyMoonlight
Maggie_May69
SaraSculptress
BlondeNoBimbo
Wendy993
June_so_lonely
Just_looking49
Laughing_Lady27
ScarlettOHara

Which handles catch his eye? Which ones will he click on first? Which ones grab you? Which ones give a positive feel and which ones seem negative?

Obviously, if your style is not that of a Mustang, or humour and double entendres such as with Maggie_May69 do not suit your personality then avoid such terms (or be prepared to deal with the inevitable silly enquiries you will get). However, you can always find something that very simply generates the extra clicks on your profile. More clicks mean more chances to find the right person.

It is quite reasonable to assume that SaraSculptress would really like to meet someone ‘arty’, ideally interested in sculpture.

‘Mustang_Sally’ tells me that she is someone who is a bit headstrong and challenging, but recognises it.

BlondeNoBimbo suggests an attractive lady who wants to be recognised for her intelligence and not her looks. Of course, if you are a ‘stunning looker’ with the intelligence of a professor, then you may want to communicate that another way, such as ‘BookishBlonde’ or just avoid any reference to your hair colour or looks. But then, it pays to advertise!

Now, let us think about negative aspects. How do you think June_so_Lonely comes across? There are two aspects to this.

Firstly, it carries a sense of vulnerability about it. This may not be a good thing to put across, as not all men are honorable. Secondly, it conveys someone who is seeing her glass to be half empty. Some men may like that, some may not, but generally a positive attitude works best.

And lastly, what does ScarlettOHara’s handle say – is she literary or a film buff or does it say something about her character. Some doubt can be intriguing…

So, in summary, think about your handle. And of course, many sites offer free trial memberships, so you could join a couple of agencies and try a couple of different handles.

Remember, your handle is your first headline!

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

I’m writing this after a recent (now resolved) argument with my lady. It’s about personal space and how difficult that can be to deal with in a new relationship. For those who are dating and looking to settle down with a partner, there are a few things to consider. Some of them may of course depend on the particular personalities and the degree of independence we each prefer. For strong-willed and independent people, this can be a very difficult area.

For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work, though undoubtedly this can be very difficult. In fact, I said to her that it could be even more difficult to work out than the recent airlines strike! Focus on common ground, that’s what the negotiators say.

These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material  possessions around you.

How do Space Issues Arise?

Well, the issue first comes about when you agree where to live – her place or your place, or do you get a place together? When relationships start, you begin to stop over at each other’s place, there is no explicit agreement, it’s just ‘let’s see how it goes’. Slowly, the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover’s) pile of clothes, washbag and so on starts to accumulate at the emerging centre of gravity.

Then, maybe, you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) – selling it or renting it out.

Developing Space Issues

As all this happens, though, you start to work it out – you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy – that’s stress in itself.

The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Guys are in general more single minded – I like to concentrate on my work without interruption, and finding space (without interruption) in someone else’s place for this single-minded work can be difficult. But it’s not only physical space, it’s mental space as well – space to think, even space to watch different TV shows or entertain friends.

House Rules

When you live in someone else’s space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules, even if you contribute to the running costs and upkeep. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.

And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.

Symptoms

Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space and therefore experienced it first-hand, I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms. Indeed, I have been told by a partner that it was very difficult for her having someone in her space. I guess that could be down to me, but I did coexist fairly happily for 15 years in another relationship!

If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think ‘hey, that’s my wall, we’ll have what I like’ then that’s a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner’s place and think ‘no, I don’t really want to live in a room with a purple wall’ then that’s a pointer to a problem.

These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.

Finding Solutions

The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.

If you are very committed, you can see this as an opportunity to dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together build up your joint possessions together.

Of course, this is risky in itself as you think – ‘if this goes wrong, who gets what?’ and ‘maybe I’d be safer hanging on to my place and stuff, you know, just in case….’. And what if there’s say, a dog?

Another solution is to have periods apart – maybe short breaks visiting friends and family – some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn’t work. I mean, why be together at all?

Then, getting away together into neutral space – say a weekend away – can also lower the temperature.

So, all in all Space can be an issue. The Final Frontier? Maybe. When you cross a frontier, then you are into new territory!

Yes, very. Why? What is the difference between what is said (or not) and what the reality may be – the photo helps us decide?

When you enrol for the first time with an online dating agency,  you complete to some degree or other, a personal profile of yourself. You may or may not load a photograph at that time. You then search the profiles of others to seek potential partners. Some profiles you view may have photographs of the other person or sometimes not.

No Photographs on a Profile?
If there’s no picture on a profile when you search, then it could be for several reasons:

• The default search criteria that you are using excludes profiles without photographs. This is easily dealt with by changing those settings in the search panel.
• The person is not technical (though most people today can load a photo or get someone to do it for them).
• The person has just started setting up a basic profile and hasn’t organised a photo yet.
• They have loaded a photograph and it is awaiting approval by the agency (this can in some circumstances take several days).
• The person doesn’t think other people will find them attractive
• The lady is very attractive and wants to restrict her picture to those who are interested in her profile first.  Private photos (e.g. for Favourites Only) help to get around this problem.  This is not usually a problem for men.
• Some people are just nervous or cautious about a visible online presence, and that is quite reasonable. In that case they may well have photographs ready and waiting to send you; alternatively, if the site has the feature, they may have private photographs loaded to be viewed by invitation only.

So,  you can see that there are several valid reasons why photographs may not be present at a given point in time. And, the very person you seek may be one of those!

Importance of Photographs.
Photographs are important, because if someone’s appearance is not attractive to you, then that’s not a good start (and similarly from the other person’s point of view). Of course, when it comes to a photo of yourself, then you will get a much lower response ……….

This is only half the article about photographs….for the full story get my Online Dating Guide!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

(C) 2009 Phil Marks