This is the third article explaining how a lady can write the most effective online dating profile. The benefit of a finely tuned profile is that it clearly describes the lady, without any hidden messages; it also succinctly describes the type of guy who is ideal for her. This means that all the men who would be of no interest to her are immediately elimninated. This saves time and money on pointless emailing and dates, not to mention the emotional toll it can take. As an investment in the future, time spent on developing the right profile is time well spent.

Find Our Who You Really Are

List the qualities and interests that you have and that you want your new man to appreciate. Talk to a close friend and get her(/him) to help you with this, as people don’t always see the qualities they have that close friends see and appreciate.

If you are athletic, then you probably need someone with an interest in sport (that is playing sport, not sitting in a bar with a beer watching football). If you are an art lover, then a guy who thinks Salvador Dali is a country in Africa would be probably be a bad bet. I say probably, because many people seek new things from a new relationship. A dear lady friend of mine (who was very much a country girl), became involved with a guy who wanted to learn about hunting/shooting/fishing. Then, when he had his introductions to that country life, then he decided to move on to someone else.

Ticking the Boxes

Many dating sites will have drop-down lists of Interests, Personal Qualities and so on. Use the list that you prepared earlier as a guide. It is important not to give the wrong impression, as that can lead to disappointment all round.

Think about what you might expect from a man’s profile. Do you want him to be truthful? Do you expect to be misled? Most people will ‘varnish the truth’ slightly to give a more favourable impression.

For example – if you know nothing about horses, but really want to learn, then it is fair enough to put Horses as an interest (because this may be a search term a man may use to find suitable profiles), BUT in your ‘bio’ section (the free-from section where you describe yourself) you must say something like ‘I have had an interest in horses since I was young but never had the chance to get involved with them, so I am really seeking a guy who is closely involved with horses (probably owns one) and who will teach me to ride and share his passion’.

Smoking and Drinking

Other important boxes cover smoking and drinking. In my experience it is not unusual for occasional smokers to say that they are non-smokers. There is no point in this deception, as it soon becomes obvious. Then, the man thinks ‘What else in the profile is not true? Can I believe this woman?’

So, think carefully about what you write, and you will then be more likely to be spending your time meeting guys who are most suitable for you. In other words, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’!

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

A concise and appropriate online dating profile is essential for a woman if you are to avoid giving out inappropriate messages and wasting time on hopeless dates and emails with unsuitable men. This is the second in a series of articles about getting the profile right, and discusses how to develop a description of her ideal man.

The first thing, obviously, is to be realistic, and not set your sights too high.

Talk to your Close Friends

Discuss it with your close friends and seek their view – they may provide you with surprising ideas about the type of man they think is right for you. This can be very useful, especially if they knew your previous partner (if any).

What Type of Person are you Really Looking For?

Think about the type of person you are looking for and find eight or ten key words or phrases which describe that person. These phrases should be both positive and negative. For example, steady, loyal, loving, money not important though it helps, must have his own hair, cuddly, like dancing and pets, no gamblers or heavy drinkers.

Use your past relationship(s) as a guide – what was good and what was bad – this is where talking to a friend or friends can help as they may see aspects that you are not aware of.

Although most sites will have sections which cover smoking, drinking, interests, music, food and so on, if any of these are particularly important to you, then your list should include them to emphasise the point.

For example, you may like to dance, but there is a difference between ‘ticking the Dancing Box’ under Interests, and the fact that you go to Line Dancing 3 nights a week. If Dancing is that important to you then you need to bring it out, and suggest that the man you seek will be a Line Dancing fanatic. On the other hand of course, you may be doing 3 nights a week of line dancing to fill in your evenings until a man comes along. So, be clear about what you want and make it clear in your description of the man you seek. Avoid the Same Mistake Again

If you have been in a difficult relationship in the past, do remember that there is a tendency for many women to be attracted to features they recognise. If these features were not healthy for you or your relationship then make it clear in your profile that these features are unattractive (for example, heavy gambling or drinking). Obviously, saying that you are not seeking someone violent is not easy to put into words, but there are ways of doing it, such as:

‘I have been in a physically(/verbally) abusive relationship in the past, and what I am looking for now is a tender and affectionate man who treats ladies as ladies and knows how to demonstrate love’.

This will not filter out all abusive men, but will narrow down the field considerably.

So, be aware of this risk and make sure you eliminate such people at this early stage.

In summary then, be clear in your mind what’s important to you in the man you seek, and say so clearly in your online dating profile.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Grrrr!

Whether you are new to online dating, or an ‘old hand’, even in a fresh and deepening relationship, then this article could be useful to you. What happens when you and your date both have Facebook pages, and your relationship is in that exciting phase when you just cannot stop phoning, texting and emailing each other? Or, maybe you are settled in to a stable relationship, maybe you’ve even started living together, and you both have Facebook pages of your own.  Have you thought about the potential problems this could cause? Do you need two Facebook profiles – one for your regular friends and one for online dating?

Profile Privacy

Having a profile on Facebook can lead to a multitude of problems, not least being identity theft, which is the reason why I kept away from the application for a few years. Yes, there are privacy settings, but they don’t always function as they should, and recently the management at the company changed the default settings on a whim. This led to a big outcry in the media. And Yes again, they did change them. But it just makes you nervous about having your whole life in a worldwide database, doesn’t it? These days there is even software which can analyse your profile and your Facebook friends and figure out a whole lot about what makes you tick, even your sexual preferences.

Until recently, I had no page on Facebook. My girlfriend has had one for years, and she is a nut about her online identity privacy. She uses it mainly to keep in touch with her family.

So, I thought it would be a good idea for me too, as I’m not really good at keeping in touch with family, and I know my daughters are really active. Fine. So…

What bearing has this on online dating?

Well, I started to set up an online profile in Facebook, and after a few pages it asked me to find some friends online. You’ve probably done it already. Guess who I looked for? Yes, my girlfriend. Could I find her? No. Did I find her? Yes. I simply looked for one of her daughters and found her as a friend of her daughter. I then sent a request to my girlfriend to be my Facebook friend.

After a couple of days I had received no reply. This started me thinking. Is she ignoring me? Did she get my request? Several other family members (including my daughters, I’m glad to say) had accepted and become friends. Or was there another reason, something more insidious? So, I asked her if she was not responding. She said that she hadn’t received my request. Fair enough, I believed that she hadn’t received my request. She was surprised that I had been able to find her at all given her Facebook profile settings (that’s off the point of this article, though I did touch on it earlier).

This whole episode got me thinking. Maybe she had a whole list of people – exes maybe, who she did not want me to see as her friends. Anyway, it was not an issue for me, but I also disappointed myself, that I should doubt her.

In summary

This whole online profile issue can raise doubts and questions when it comes to online dating, especially when you are just meeting with someone you like. You exchange real email addresses first, then phone numbers, then maybe, just maybe, your Facebook pages.

Solutions

There are couple of solutions. One is to have a bland profile with few friends, plus your real everyday profile. The other solution is to keep your profile clear of your dates and exes. Of course, if you are dating multiple people at the same time, or even using Facebook dating features, then you will have to be a lot more careful if you want to avoid lots of questions or doubts about trust.

(c) Phil Marks 2011

You have made the decision to enter the exciting and hopeful world of online dating. You are eager to meet that special man or woman and fall in love. You are eager to start join an online dating service, writing your profile and start searching for matches. You just need to determine which dating site you should use.

Use these guidelines to help you decide which online dating service to join.

(1) Set a budget for yourself. Decide how much money you are willing and able to spend on an online dating service. Most dating sites offer memberships for one month, three months, six months and one year. If you are planning on staying on a dating site for several months, it is often more economical to register for a three month membership rather than a one month membership which then has to be renewed. Fill out the basic personal registration information on a dating website and see if they email you any discounted membership offers. There are a variety of quality, popular online dating services that are free that are worth checking out.

(2) Ask trusted family members, friends or colleagues who have experience with online dating sites to give you their recommendations for the best service to join. Ask them to give you an honest opinion. If they had negative experiences with a certain dating site, take their advice seriously in making your final decision about what service to join. Once you have made a decision about the online dating service that you will join, ask these people for advice regarding writing your dating profile, posting photos and responding to matches’ emails and messages. Consider these friends, family members or colleagues to be valuable resources for you.

(3) Invest time in searching through popular and reputable online dating sites. Research as many different dating services as you can before deciding on one to join. Try to figure out which online dating services are the most popular, especially for singles in your state or province or even country.

(4) Think about joining a specialized online dating service. There are a wonderful variety of specialized dating sites available that cater to a specific market. Some dating websites are for a specific country or geographical region. Some dating websites have a religious orientation and are geared toward people of a certain faith, such as Christian or Jewish dating sites. Some dating websites are for seniors.

(5) Reduce your choices down to your favorite three online dating services. Compare them with one another, making note of the advantages and disadvantages of each dating site. Read each site’s “About Us” page, “Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)” page and “Privacy” page to gather detailed information. Consider each dating service’s success rate, membership fees, number of members, special features, profile formats, and customer service.

After several of your good friends met their romantic partners through online dating services, you have decided to give the world of internet dating a go. You will be more successful and have a more enjoyable experience if you follow these beginner’s tips.

(1) Decide on which online dating website you wish to join.

Visit each website. Look at the special features and format that each site offers. Look at the costs involved with membership. Look at the payment types accepted, such as VISA, Mastercard, and PayPal. Ensure that the site offers secure and safe payment options.  For detailed information, read the “About Us” page, the “Frequently Asked Questions” page and the “Privacy Page.”  Find out if the service caters to professional people, seniors, single parents, people from special ethnic  groups or members from specific religious groups.

Some online dating services offer you a chance to search through profiles and photos before you commit to joining. Some dating sites offer a free trial period.  Search for a dating service that offers members the ability to send email messages through a special email address provided by the service and the ability to send instant messages (IMs) to fellow members.

Talk to friends and family who have participated in online dating for their personal recommendations. Ask them to share their personal experiences with you about the various dating services that they utilized. Value your friends and family’s advice, as it is more authentic than the advertisements and testimonials used by dating websites.

(2) Decide what characteristics and values you are searching for in your “perfect match.”

Work on building self-awareness so that you know your own abilities, preferences and relational needs. Take time to reflect seriously on the traits and values you desire in a future romantic partner. In a journal or using a word processor, record a list of “Top 10″ or “Top 20″ characteristics that you want most in a mate. Think about your dreams for yourself and your future relationship partner. Characteristics including intelligence, sense of humor, integrity, honesty, faithfulness, patience,  playfulness, and respectfulness usually rank among the top traits people desire in their romantic companion.

Decide on the items that are “Deal Breakers” for you, such as someone who smokes cigarettes, does drugs, drinks too much alcohol, gambles, is disrespectful or has anger management problems. Decide whether you would prefer someone who has never been married and has no children, or it you are okay with dating someone who has been married or who has children. If your religion is very important to you, then make finding someone who shares your moral and religious values a priority for you in your search for your ideal partner.

(1) Post good-quality, flattering photos of yourself on your dating profile. Find several photos of yourself where you look healthy, attractive and confident and add them to your profile. You want your female matches to be drawn into reading your profile from your tasteful photos of yourself.

(2) Post photos of yourself smiling in which you seem friendly. Avoid posting photos where you have a neutral or negative expression on your face. Avoid posting photos where you have closed body language, such as your arms crossed tightly in front of you. You want the women looking at your profile to consider you as a friendly, approachable, down-to-earth guy.

(3) Spend a good amount of time and care while writing your profile. A primary goal to keep in mind is that you want your profile to be original and creative. Since there are thousands of men on the dating site competing for women’s attention, make sure that ladies reading your profile will become intrigued by your imaginative, carefully crafted descriptions of your personality, personal interests, career, life experiences and relationship goals.

(4) Reflect on the top ten qualities that matter most to you in a partner. In a welcoming manner, write a description about the characteristics that you are searching for in your future girlfriend or wife. Be careful however not to appear to be too demanding, too critical, or superficial. Superficiality is a major turn off for any self-respecting woman.

(5) Avoid being boring and uninteresting while writing your profile. Avoid writing something cliche, such as “I am just a nice guy looking for a good woman.” Write your profile in a manner that reveals your special personality. Use tasteful humor in your dating essay. Share several heart-warming stories about yourself that will make you endearing to your female readers.

(6) Avoid posting shirtless photos of yourself. Chose instead photos of you in action, doing favorite activities such as sailing, cycling or playing tennis. Most women will be turned off by revealing photos.

(7) Consider the characteristics that women are searching for in a long-term relationship partner. Communicate the following attributes while writing your profile:
a) Confidence: Show your independence and self-confidence in your profile. Remember to show humility and avoid coming across as macho or arrogant.
b) Ambition: Reveal to your matches that you are educated and intelligent with a good, stable career. Women want a man who is purposeful and goal-oriented.
c) Humor: Communicate through your profile that you are a fun and playful man who will be a fun-loving and entertaining boyfriend.

So you’ve met someone online and you’re interested in getting to know them better. Where do you go from here? What do you ask that will engage them in conversation while at the same time not make them feel like they are being interrogated? Those early email conversations can be a very useful screening tool to help you figure out if you want to go further.

The main things that you have to determine right from the beginning are:

a) What is their relationship status?
b) What kind of relationship they are looking for?

The answers to these two questions should be answered in their profile on the online dating service. There is a good chance that you would not be matched with a person who is not what you are looking for in this regard. It’s a good idea, however, to be sure that the two of you are clear on these issues before you invest any of your time in this person. As a safety precaution, make sure that you match is not married, engaged or already in a long-term relationship.

Certainly, you should ask their age, their occupation, their religious beliefs and their thoughts about marriage and children. All these things typically matter a great deal and again you want to screen out right from the start those people who are not right for you.

If the person meets with your approval with the above criterion, you can progress to the business of finding out their interests and hobbies, their likes and dislikes.

Here are some unique questions you might ask:

• What is on your iPod right now? (What would you put on an iPod if you had one?)
• If you could only watch three TV show a week, what would they be?
• If you could eat any food that you wanted without any negative results, what would it be?
• Have you ever won an award or a contest?
• If you could have chosen to be born at any time in history, when would you choose?
• What jobs did you have as a teenager?
• What are your favorite fiction and non-fiction books?
• What the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?

Finally, if you are really interested in that person as more than an online fling, you will want to discern their values and gain insight into their personality.

If you determine the answers to these three questions, you will know a great deal about that person:

• What makes them laugh?
• What makes them cry?
• What makes them angry?

You will want to skillfully and intelligently navigate your way through this phase and you just might find a person with whom you are truly compatible.

You are seriously considering joining a reputable online dating service. You are hopeful at the prospect of possibly meeting your soulmate. You are eager to get started with the process of receiving matches and reading dating profiles. However, you want to stay safe and approach online dating in a smart way.

Although the majority of members of online dating services are honest, good and genuine people, unfortunately hundreds of thousands of people are taken advantage of by internet dating scams. Be aware of any “red flags” that you notice with any of your matches.

Follow these helpful tips to avoid an online dating scam.

Be observant of discrepancies in your match’s emails. Be very cautious if you experience any of the following problems:

a) The email communication from your match is difficult to understand, is repeated or is oddly vague.
b) You receive a response from the match within ten to twenty minutes every time you send him/her a message, even though you never discussed when you would be online again.
c) You notice that emails from your match change in grammar, spelling, style, language or overall tone throughout your communication with him/ her.
d) Early on in your communication, your match shares a heart-wrenching story that quickly turns into an emergency, and he/she informs you that you are the only one who can help.
e) Your match fails to offer you any personal or detailed information about himself/herself.
f) He or she does not respond to your emails or messages in a personal way, but instead change the topic each time he/ she sends another email.
g) You sense that the emails or messages that you are receiving from this match don’t contain meaningful and appropriate responses. Consider whether or not the person is sending you copied-and-pasted responses from a pre-written script or outline.
h) The person asks you to cash someone’s money order or check for him/her. Say no!
i) The person asks you for money. Avoid giving anyone any money.
j) Be weary if the match’s profile photos look fake or unrealistic. It likely means that the photos have been tampered with, or worse, the photos might be of another person entirely and just used to hook potential matches into communicating with him/her.

Safety and Privacy Tips

Be very careful not to reveal you actual last name to a match until you feel that you have gotten to know the person and you feel that they are trustworthy. Be careful not to reveal your personal email address until you have been communicating for a good while through the online dating service and you feel comfortable sharing your email address with them. Do not share your phone number with a match until you feel very safe and comfortable with them over email. Never reveal your personal address until you have gone through the process of communicating online for a good amount of time, have had many successful phone conversations, and have met in person in safe, public places a variety of times.

You are at a place in your life in which you are ready to settle down. You have a good college or university education, and you are established or getting established in your chosen career. Something, more precisely, someone, is missing though. You long to be in a long-term committed relationship with a loving, intelligent, caring woman or man who would one day become your future spouse. You have had several long-term relationships, but unfortunately they didn’t work out. You are busy with your career and you don’t have any friends or co-workers that would be good possible girlfriends or boyfriends. Several of your friends from university suggest to you that you join an online dating service. They were able to meet their wives through online dating services, which is a good testimonial in itself.

Your friends try to encourage you to register with an online dating service. They offer you several compelling reasons why you should give online dating serious consideration.

1) As a member of an online dating service, you are enabling yourself to be matched with and interact with possibly hundreds if not thousands of fellow members. Many popular dating services have millions of members. You are increasing your potential “dating pool” of possible matches exponentially.

2) As a member, you are expanding your geographical search for your future mate beyond just your own city or town to include your state or province, your entire country, or even several other countries if you choose to look for love in a broader geographical setting. Many online dating services allow you to list the states or provinces or countries that you would like your matches to live in, and some services allow you to type in a specific distance, such as a 500 mile radius or a 1000 mile radius.

3) A high percentage of men and women discover their wives or husbands through online dating services. Many people met their current girlfriend or boyfriend online.

4) If you take a relaxed and positive attitude, joining an online dating service can be a fun and rewarding experience. It is an easy and exciting way to receive matches from various states, provinces or even countries, all from the comfort of your home computer. Members find it to be a memorable time in their lives, as they look forward every day to discovering their new matches and reading new messages from matches.

5) Online dating services offer helpful and easy-to-use features. Members are able to easily access a tremendous variety of personal profiles which contain information about each match’s personal interests, career, relationship goals, religion, age and place of residence. Members can view one another’s photos, which is a popular feature.